Yes, this is what it’s come to. Another year, another slew of injuries and possible injury mismanagement to our core group of players. At this point, it’s only fitting that we expect everyone else on the roster to eventually succumb to some sort of season-ending calamity. As often done with celebrities, I’ve gone ahead and created the official 2018 New York Mets dead pool for remaining players on the roster. And just to ensure we aren’t too savage, this is for heading to the DL or leaving the team, not actual death.
The following will happen at some point from now until the end of the season:
Jacob deGrom’s back will eventually fall victim to carrying the whole damn team this year. It will happen at the end of August, late enough to give him an excellent season, early enough to take him out of contention to get the Cy Young.
Nimmo will pull his hammy running to first base, sidelining him indefinitely. Doesn’t seem like a crazy injury right? He’ll have done it after drawing a walk.
Noah Syndergaard will come back from foot and mouth disease. However, Mickey will think it best for him to get exposed to chicken pox now vs. later, so he'll take him back to the youth camp. Per his pediatrician, Noah will be disease-free and have all his shots by the start of 2019.
Amed Rosario will put up monster numbers for the month of August. Right on cue, Mickey will subsequently bench him for the month of September.
Wilmer Flores? Sometimes #MetsTwitter knows best:
Seth Lugo and Robert Gsellman will go on a hunting trip with Dave Eiland. Dave Eiland will be the only one to return.
Asdrubal Cabrera will be dealt to the Red Sox for a $500 gift card to Benihana’s.
Conforto will go to the bathroom at McFadden’s and forget to wash his hands. Draw your own conclusions.
Dom Smith will get called back up, and Keith will volunteer to school him on some 1B fundies. He’ll separate his shoulder while watering Keith’s plants.
Zack Wheeler will pitch a no-hitter and get hurt during the celebration.
Jose Bautista will hit a home run. Jose Bautista will execute that epic bat flip we’ve all been waiting for. Jose Bautista will head to the DL with a hyper-extended elbow before we can trade him.
Anthony Swarzak will be forced to take an at-bat in the 8th inning and get hit by a pitch. Life will go on.
Mickey will ask Steven Matz to come in and bunt over a runner during an extra-inning game. His finger will get stuck between the bat and the ball during said bunt. He’ll recover in time for the 2020 season.
After a few more wild scenarios and injuries to our September call-ups, one Met will be left standing. Yes - Jose Reyes will go unscathed, and the front office will finally be able to give him his proper send off.
*Disclaimer: This is obviously just for fun. I don’t actually wish any type of injury on any of our players.*
If you're hitting the final home game on Thursday at Citi Field, swing by the Marina Lot to see some friends, maybe meet some new ones, and responsibly wash down your sorrows before heading inside.